I spent the first 18 years of my life going to church, but I never truly believed in the God they preached about.
I tried to, but I wasn't always convinced that He was as great as they said He was. I would pray and see no evidence of God's goodness. What I did see what hardship and suffering and oppression. I developed a lackluster faith, which was only there to make me look good. This made it impossible for me to go all-in with God. I refused to put my trust in something I couldn't see, so for 18 years I tried to live life my way. (Tried is the key word here. It didn't really go as planned, but we're getting to that.)
We live in a world where we are taught to put ourselves first (and don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great things about you and me), but in my own experience, my self-seeking life left me feeling like there's got to be something more. I tried everything to find contentment, but still felt I was missing something. Eventually, I found myself stuck in a toxic cycle that started with seeking the approval of others; which was followed by rejection; which made me feel not good enough; which sparked my need for validation. (See this issue here?)
I looked for fulfillment everywhere the world told me to look and it still didn't fulfill me. Why? What was it that I was missing? Jennie Allen, the author of one of my favorite books, answered this question for me when she said, "Self-help can only offer you a better version of yourself. Christ is after a whole new you."
It was the summer after my freshman year of college when I decided to finally go all-in with God. At this point, I had nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. When I opened my Bible and really read it for the first time, I came across a word I hadn't given much thought to before: humility. A word that a lot of us are likely to overlook. Our self-seeking world doesn't have a whole lot to say about humility, so it's a good thing Jesus does.
All it took for me to interrupt the aforementioned cycle of toxic thoughts was one hard-hitting, eye-opening, life-changing truth. Because of this truth, I no longer question where my validation comes from. And that truth is this: It's not about me.
I think I now understand why it was impossible for me to feel content when I was living my life according to me -- because maybe, my life was supposed to be about something much bigger than myself from the start.
I know that Jesus was living for something bigger than Himself, but that's not the only thing we have in common. He and I both know what rejection feels like (and I'm gonna guess you do, too). Unlike you and I, however, Jesus was sinless and perfect and rejected still. Rejection is what put Him on the cross, where He would reprieve each of us of our sin and shame and hurt so that we can live freely. You see, Jesus wasn't living for Himself. He was living for the salvation of me and you and everyone everywhere. He endured the cross to offer us grace, and friends... that is some good news!
When I take a step back and embrace the good news of God's grace, I begin to live life with a whole new freedom. Freedom from the mistakes I've made in the past. Freedom from the need for approval. Freedom from the opinions of others. Freedom from worry and insecurity and rejection.
Because of what Christ did for me on the cross, I now realize that I am not worthless... but I am unworthy. There is nothing I did to deserve the grace I've been given, so there's nothing I want to do to abuse this gift. I want to live the abundant life the Lord intended for me from the start, and I don't want to keep getting in my own way. Though I constantly fall short here, I now know that my story is no longer mine to write.
The funny thing is, it never was.
I won't know what the next chapter holds, and there will still be hardship and suffering and oppression. I might never gain the approval of the world, and I will probably be rejected a thousand more times. But, I know that this story has a happy ending -- and that's good enough for me.
We live in a world where we are taught to put ourselves first (and don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great things about you and me), but in my own experience, my self-seeking life left me feeling like there's got to be something more. I tried everything to find contentment, but still felt I was missing something. Eventually, I found myself stuck in a toxic cycle that started with seeking the approval of others; which was followed by rejection; which made me feel not good enough; which sparked my need for validation. (See this issue here?)
I looked for fulfillment everywhere the world told me to look and it still didn't fulfill me. Why? What was it that I was missing? Jennie Allen, the author of one of my favorite books, answered this question for me when she said, "Self-help can only offer you a better version of yourself. Christ is after a whole new you."
It was the summer after my freshman year of college when I decided to finally go all-in with God. At this point, I had nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. When I opened my Bible and really read it for the first time, I came across a word I hadn't given much thought to before: humility. A word that a lot of us are likely to overlook. Our self-seeking world doesn't have a whole lot to say about humility, so it's a good thing Jesus does.
All it took for me to interrupt the aforementioned cycle of toxic thoughts was one hard-hitting, eye-opening, life-changing truth. Because of this truth, I no longer question where my validation comes from. And that truth is this: It's not about me.
I think I now understand why it was impossible for me to feel content when I was living my life according to me -- because maybe, my life was supposed to be about something much bigger than myself from the start.
I know that Jesus was living for something bigger than Himself, but that's not the only thing we have in common. He and I both know what rejection feels like (and I'm gonna guess you do, too). Unlike you and I, however, Jesus was sinless and perfect and rejected still. Rejection is what put Him on the cross, where He would reprieve each of us of our sin and shame and hurt so that we can live freely. You see, Jesus wasn't living for Himself. He was living for the salvation of me and you and everyone everywhere. He endured the cross to offer us grace, and friends... that is some good news!
When I take a step back and embrace the good news of God's grace, I begin to live life with a whole new freedom. Freedom from the mistakes I've made in the past. Freedom from the need for approval. Freedom from the opinions of others. Freedom from worry and insecurity and rejection.
Because of what Christ did for me on the cross, I now realize that I am not worthless... but I am unworthy. There is nothing I did to deserve the grace I've been given, so there's nothing I want to do to abuse this gift. I want to live the abundant life the Lord intended for me from the start, and I don't want to keep getting in my own way. Though I constantly fall short here, I now know that my story is no longer mine to write.
The funny thing is, it never was.
I won't know what the next chapter holds, and there will still be hardship and suffering and oppression. I might never gain the approval of the world, and I will probably be rejected a thousand more times. But, I know that this story has a happy ending -- and that's good enough for me.
"He must become greater, I must become less." -- John 3:30
"You were called, brothers and sisters, to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another, humbly in love." -- Galatians 5:13
If you're doubting Christianity and the life of Christ, read The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.
If you're struggling with rejection, read Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst.
If you're wanting to stop the spiral of toxic thoughts in your mind, read Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen.
Nicely done-as always! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteVery nice Hannah. Great testimony!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! Loved hearing your story, thank you for sharing the good news of Jesus!
ReplyDelete